The danger of ignoring your heart

When I think about how I incorporated the unhealthy beliefs (aka "settings" of the brain) I had about myself such as:

- I need to be successful to be loved by other people and myself
- I need to continue to get better
- The more value I provide to the world, the more valuable I am as a human,

there are probably many reasons, but I can think of two big ones.

(Note: These were both unconscious motivations I had and did not realize I had them until later when I started figuring myself out)

1. I was bullied by other girls when I was in elementary school, and that experience made me want to be "better" (in the most obvious way possible) than them to prove myself.

2. I felt like my father expected a lot from me, and I started to believe that the more successful I became, more he loved me.

Father-daughter dance with my lovely father :)

I had next to no problems in my life until I got into the management consulting job, because even though I was going through my life based on those toxic beliefs, I've always managed to achieve my "conditions" to love myself.

However, when I started my job at a management consulting firm in Tokyo, for the first time in my life, I was felt like "I'm not enough".

I felt like I wasn't as intelligent or capable compared to my peers.

It was so obvious that I was not cut out for this job.

For example, I would have a hard time passing required certificate exams, and I stayed in the office until midnight every night because I couldn't finish tasks quickly enough to go home at a decent time.

Looking back, I know I should have just moved on and said, "This is not a good fit for me! Let's just find something I am good at and enjoy doing."

However, because of those subconscious beliefs, I couldn't let it go.

To me, (at that time) "quitting" this highly-esteemed job meant "failure". And I couldn't let myself fail, because I had no idea how to love myself if I did.

As this situation progressed, my heart (feelings) and brain (thoughts) started to fight with one another.

Heart: "I can't do this anymore. I'm so exhausted. Something is not right, things should not be this hard!"

Brain: "What do you mean? You can't quit now! The boss told me that he worked his ass off when he first started too. Stop complaining and work harder! You can do it. You can do more."

※ I want to quickly explain this concept of how you can think of the heart (feelings) as a little princess who gets more excited and happy about life when the brain (thoughts) is working for her. 

The brain is like a muscular knight who comes up with strategies and executes.
Everyone has both, regardless of male or female, but especially for women, it's extremely important to start with what the princess wants. When the brain (knight) works against the heart (princess), like in my case, you start to have unbearable resenting feelings.

As I continued ignoring what my heart was trying to communicate, I started to have strong feelings of despair as I woke up every morning, have panic attacks, and I couldn't leave the house without tearing up. 

These physical symptoms were a strong message from my heart (princess):
"Dude, I've told you a million times I do not want to do this anymore. And you continue to just ignore me. It's unbelievable how disrespectful you are towards my feelings. I have no choice anymore but to force you to stop abusing me."

I made an appointment with a doctor after realizing there was nothing I can do personally to stop or control these symptoms. 

After I explained everything to my doctor, she told me, "You need to stop going to work immediately."

I felt so lost.

I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know who I was anymore.

It made sense considering I only knew myself as someone who was successful, always achieved her dreams, and was unbeatable.

And I only knew how to love that version of myself...