One magical question that changed my life

Continued from the previous blog post:

After I was forced to take time off from my consulting job by my doctor, my immediate attitude was, "OK fine, I'll take some time off but it will probably only take a couple of weeks for me to get better."

Things weren't that simple. My body wasn't complying with me anymore regardless of what I thought I should do.

The more I tried to fight it, the worse my physical symptoms got.

After realizing there was literally nothing I can do anymore, I finally "gave up" trying to control the situation, and left my Tokyo apartment to go stay at my grandma's for a couple of weeks to rest.

This is where my grandma lives :) So peaceful.

While I was staying at my grandma's place, I felt there were two versions of me coexisting.
One feeling so relieved, and one feeling restless and anxious.

There were days I would sleep until noon, have a healthy meal that my grandma prepared, go for a walk and feel the warmth of the sun and the breeze.

There were also days I would read tons of books on entrepreneurship and motivation, and watched endless TED Talks, feeling like I had to be doing something to not fall behind.

However, for the first time in a long time, I could finally stop my brain from overruling me.
I finally had a proper excuse to do so thanks to my physical symptoms.

This was a crucial step to my recovery.

The brain (knight) can make a wonderful partner to the heart (princess) when it's used properly, but when it's not used properly, it can be violent and destructive.

※To understand the relationship of the brain (thoughts) and the heart (feelings), please read my previous blog post: The danger of ignoring your heart.

After a couple of weeks at my grandma's, I went back to Tokyo and started receiving talking therapy.
My therapist listened to my stories patiently and was very gentle and supportive.

However, after about 6 months of my situation not changing despite what I hoped for, I made the decision to take this matter into my own hands and started proactively learning about how the mind, body and brain work.
(※This is my personal experience of what I went through, and what I decided was the best way for me to handle my situation. :) If you are going through something similar, please carefully consider what are the best steps for you. I want to make it clear that I'm not saying talking therapy is useless. It was very helpful to me but I wanted to take it one step further and take matters into my own hands.)

I started reading tons of book on the subject, looked for articles online, attended seminars, went and talked to specialists, etc.

This process included,

• Attending a 10 day silent meditation retreat, where I wasn't allowed to talk or look at anyone, with no access to the outside world, and meditated up to 12 hours everyday.
  (This was way too powerful for me back then. After 5 days of hardcore meditation, I started having panic attacks, and couldn't stop crying during my meditations, so I had to stop and come home.)

• Stopping everything I didn't want to do but felt I needed to do.

• Writing heartfelt letters to my parents (this was insanely scary to do!!!) expressing things I couldn't before, and asked questions I couldn't ask before, like "do you love me more when I'm successful, and when you don't have to worry about me?" "why did you tell me 〇〇 growing up?" "why didn't you let me do 〇〇?"

And one day, I was asked this question by one of my advisors:

"Satomi. Do you have a hobby? What's your hobby? :)"

Me: "....Hobby? (Hmmm...I can't think of anything.) Maybe...traveling? or bettering myself?"

"No, I didn't mean those. Do you have anything you just enjoy doing even though it doesn't necessary make you "better"? Something even if other people didn't understand, doing it makes you happy or makes you feel calm? :)"


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